Two years ago this would have crushed me. I would have crawled into my bed and stayed under the covers for a week. In my cocoon of blankets I could have pretended that the world outside hadn’t changed at all, that when I emerged everything would be as I left it and I could just step back into the cosmic ebb and flow. Of course, things wouldn’t have been the same at all, and my denial would just have made it harder to move forward and take charge of my life once more.
But I am not the girl I was two years ago. I have been down, been crushed, and risen again triumphant. I have rebuilt my life from the ashes of a dream burned in front of my face. I have taken charge of my future and stepped back into the wide world. Used a winter to rest and recuperate and stepped back into the spring when summertime came again.
This was by no means a solo effort at all, and I would not be who I am, and where I am, without my loved ones, that is for certain.
Two weeks ago I found out that I had lost my job. I chose not to write about it on the blog at the time; although some of you who read this would already have known through other channels of communication. I was shocked. Rocked to the core. I loved my job. I wasn’t always the best at my job, but I loved it. I love what the place I worked for stands for. I love the work they do and I admire the dedication of all my co-workers. I couldn’t have asked for a nicer, warmer, more inspiring group of people to work alongside. So when the final words were spoken I was shattered. My heart was splintered. I had two weeks to learn how to say one of the hardest goodbyes.
Now, some of you might be asking yourselves why I was so heartbroken over a job? The job I was doing isn’t a job you just do because you have the qualifications. The job, the place I worked for, was more of a calling. Not only did you need specific attributes and professional education, you needed a specific sense of compassion, you needed to feel the thread to connect yourself to another person even though you are virtual strangers. You needed to genuinely care about the lives you were interacting with. I am not trying to big note myself here I am trying to say that I not only liked my job because I felt like I was helping people, I also loved my job because I felt that every person I interacted with was teaching me how to be a better person.
The last project I was working on was with breast cancer survivors – a group that occupies a spot close to my heart. I met so many inspiring women during that time. Women who had faced the most terrible possibility of all, been stripped down to their very cores, and risen again, beaten the darkness, survived. It was not uncommon for me to be moved to tears during my calls with these women. Sometimes we would cry together when they needed to share something with someone, and I was the voice on the end of the line. Sometimes I would hang up and then cry. Other times I was fortunate to make a friend while we journeyed together on their road back to health.
I had women send me Christmas cards, or a message wishing me luck in a race I was running. I was touched by every single story I heard, every woman who honoured me by allowing me to flutter into their world for a while, and every day I was able to do that job.
That is why my heart was broken when I heard those words.
In another way, I also know that this is the universe showing me that it is time to move onto something new. Time to take the new skills I have been learning at university, combine them with my passion for health and well-being and living a nourished life, and create something new. What that is, I do not know. Suggestions are welcome. Right now I am looking at the horizon. I am taking in the lay of this new land. Reading the map to see which unexplored corner I will venture to next (metaphorically that is, no holidays planned just yet).
What part of my life, what part of my passions, what part of my knowledge will become my profession? I do not know. I am willing to work hard for my dream. I just need to find that dream.
I am not hiding under the covers this time. I faced the truth of the situation. I cried the tears. I admitted to the fears. I am choosing to rise. I am choosing to find the new wings I need to fly.
I am stepping into this new future a whole woman, so loved and cared for, and seeking the way forward.